Vent, Vent, vent

[starjayroman]

Sometimes I just want to scream. Sometimes I do in my car on the way to work when no one else can hear me. It is so hard to have to be the one to do everything all the time.

Then Jay is in the bedroom and he tells me to take Chris to get a cake for Valentines and when we come back he is back in the living room. The only problem I had told Chris that he could play Nintendo Wii until 7:00 p.m and then he gets mad because he can't now. Now he is relegated to the bedroom where he can only play Nintendo gamecube and he doesn't want to. Then he is mad at me because I lied to him and Jay says no you didn't you just didn't know. Then I am supposed to not do laundry because the washer is in the living room but the laundry needs to be done. It seems no matter what I do, I can't win. The dishes and laundry pile up because I don't want to disturb Jay yet he complains about the dishes and laundry piling up. He complains when I do the dishes and laundry because it makes too much noise. He complains when we get up in the morning and need to make some breakfast or get something to drink because it wakes him up. He complains because Chris watches Youtube and wants to play video games all the time but he won't let him do anything else except if I am with. He wants Chris to read books but he says he doesn't read books and all there is to do for him is to watch TV.

He tells me I don't know how he feels, he tells me that he doesn't want to live if to live he hasn't to keep feeling and acting the way he is. Gee, I wonder how he feels after having a nut cut out, going through four months of chemo, finding out he may need neck surgery, finding out maybe not, finding out he has diabetes, the doctor afraid to do his RPlnd, having his insides cut out with an RPLND and 53+ staples in his belly. Gee, I have no "f"ing clue, I just live in 48*14 box with him and have to deal with it every single day, along with taking care of everything including applying for Social Security for him because he doesn't want to do anything. Everyday not knowing what will happen next, not knowing if he will live or die, not know if he will need another surgery, another cycle of chemo, what now.

Gee, I wonder why I scream in the car on the way to work sometimes. I am such a crybaby.

[Paul54]

Crystal,
Does Jay have a brother or friend who can try to shake him out of his funk? I wouldn't want to go through Jay's battle for all the money in the world. Guys can be real jerks sometimes. Except me, of course, but I have recently observed this to be true. Someone needs to impress upon Jay that successful fighting and recovery depends heavily on attitude and keeping active. I don't have any ideas for getting him up and out of the house for a while. Maybe a friend can help?

[starjayroman]

Paul,
He has five brothers and a sister and a couple of them would kick him in the butt. They are all having a hard time dealing with this. Jay is the middle child with four older siblings and two younger. He has two very good friends from childhood that he doesn't talk to much but has seen since his diagnosis. Otherwise, its just the three of us. I know he is going through he##, I wouldn't want to go through what he is either. It still hurts me to see it and it hurts to argue with him(even when he is wrong) and it hurts that I can't do more. I always say that anything I have to deal with is nothing compared to what he is going through. Sometimes, I just wish he understood that I get it.

Once awhile back he said he needed me to be happy even when he was being a jerk. My problem is how do you do that when the person you love is hurting you.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by starjayroman

Once awhile back he said he needed me to be happy even when he was being a jerk. My problem is how do you do that when the person you love is hurting you.

I think the first thing is telling him how his behavior affects you.

[NYC Russ]

Crystal,

For the first 2-3 weeks when I was home after the RPLND, I was an absolute horror to be around (granted, I wasn't particularly nice to begin with). But it was baaaaad. I had a bad reaction to the pain meds they gave me so I stopped taking them after the first day and only used Tylenol. Needless to say, they don't work so well at controlling pain. (And I must be taller than Jay because I had more staples). Then you factor in the "sloshing guts" feeling you get with every movement - almost indescribable. Combined, it means that sleep is rare, and when it does come, its not the regular, deep sleep the body needs to function.

So what that means is for 2-3 weeks of literally constant pain and almost zero sleep, I could not care less about being pleasant and considerate of others. And I would guess that this is what Jay is going through now.

But here's the rub - it gets better. It's slow, and maybe not always linear, but after the first couple weeks, he will get a little bit better as each day passes. And eventually, there's going to come a day when you get your old Jay back. So don't despair just yet - the hard part is behind you.

Best wishes.

[Les' Mom]

OH MY>>>> I thought Les was the only one that was so cranky!!!! Crystal I totally understand. I think our guys get so frustrated that they take it out on the ones that are there the most. That is usually mom. I would just talk to Les about how he made me feel, He always felt bad after he got upset and took it out on me. Because Les was an only child, our biggest problems was getting him up for appointments and taking his meds when he needed too. I cried and still cry most days going to work. It seems that is when our minds are the most senstitive. It is dark and I am alone.

Please know that we are here for you to vent to.

Much love,
Pam

[starjayroman]

Pam,
I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I have an only son too and would hate to see him go through what his dad is. I know there are always worse things. Jay even said once when he was yelling at me that he hurt me instead of who he really wanted to (something to that effect), I am sure that you understand. I feel bad for even venting on here because there are so many more people who have been through such much worse than I or Jay. I have told him that I would rather have him cranky, crabby, arguing, complaining then not at all and I know everyone on this board understands that.
Thank you,
luv,
Crystal

By the way, Jay is walking up to the bread store right now, he asked Christ to go with him. Chris didn't want to go with him but I told him I didn't want to play games with him if he couldn't walk with his dad. I wouldn't let Jay walk that two block walk on his own right now. I should have made sure they had a phone with them. Its the first long walk Jay has gone on.

[starjayroman]

Thank you for your reply Russ. You have helped. Jay is 5'10", 240 pounds and has always been a light sleeper. The funny part is I don't know if I want the old Jay back, I just want my Jay back. I think he was sick for so long that neither one of us knew that it affected his temperment. It is good to hear what he is going through from someone else who has gone through it because he is not very good with words and telling how he feels.

[Mrs Moggi]

It's hard too when the person that you lean on when you need support is the one that you're supporting. I hope that things start looking up for you both soon.

[dadmo]

Crystal:
It might be a good idea to get Jay's testosterone levels checked. If his levels are low it could be a contributing factor to his mood.

[mahalomom]

Crystal.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this on top of all the fear and suffering that TC causes. I hope and pray that Jay can somehow rid his anger or direct it to the cancer not to you. Attitude is a large part of this fight. Prayers.
~Mary Ann

[starjayroman]

I have just got to say that that retrograde ejeculation is a strange thing to get used to.

[dadmo]

Star:
It seems a bit odd to have retrograde ejeculation in a vent, vent, vent thread. If anything it should be in an unvented thread.

[starjayroman]

Dadmo,
But I didn't want to give it its own thread and just needed to say it somewhere. It is one of those things that not too many people have to deal with and never hear of until it happens to them. It is another aspect of TC that is very personal and affect and effects the men who have it and the families who love them especially their women. It is just wierd and something that no one understands or comprehends. A coworker of mine thinks it is fixable with plastic surgery yet I would think if it was fixable then it would be known in this community and if it is fixable it should be preventable. If it is not preventable, how can it be fixable?? It affects the men who have TC in very personal ways like wondering if they will ever have a functioning sex life again. The feeling isn't the same. I want to understand it yet I can only in a peripheral way.

[dadmo]

If they cut the nerves that function is simply gone. If the nerves were spared, with time, that function might return.

[Already Bald]

I am still mostly retrograde, occasionally there is a small amount of fluid.
I'm not bothered by this at all, havn't noticed a loss of sensation.
Might be psychological for Jay??
Give it time, the nerves may re-route. Also, I have heard that Sudafed works temporarily.
(I don't take it though, because I have high blood pressure.)

Best,
Joe

[mahalomom]

Originally Posted by dadmo

Star:
It seems a bit odd to have retrograde ejeculation in a vent, vent, vent thread. If anything it should be in an unvented thread.

Dadmo,

You are too funny! We do have to laugh at these oh so serious entanglements TC leaves us with. If we don't laugh and fight then we may just crumble.

~Mary Ann

[starjayroman]

Originally Posted by mahalomom

Dadmo,

You are too funny! We do have to laugh at these oh so serious entanglements TC leaves us with. If we don't laugh and fight then we may just crumble.

~Mary Ann

You know whats really funny is I didn't get the joke until you posted this. LOL.

[starjayroman]

Last night I got my head bit off because I wanted to leave Chris' Hot Wheels track up. Apparently this is something that causes Jay to think I don't listen to him, he needs to "get out of here" and he "doesn't want me." His exact words. I had to bite my tongue and just be quiet.

The night before I had put in 5 hours already on doing his SSI application and asked him to help me with the work history and got yelled at again because he thought I was talking too loud and got told to shut up.

I am wondering if I should get his testosterone checked and if so, how I would go about it since he is soo touchy and difficult to talk to sometimes.

Oh, the joys of TC.

[mahalomom]

I'm sorry you have to go through, not only TC but Jay's yelling too. I've seen some guys posts that they feel "half the man" or "less than". Do you think Jay is feeling any of this?
Would he be open to seeing a counselor?

~Mary Ann

[dadmo]

Give Jay's doctor a call and tell him your problem. He may be able to just draw some extra blood at the next exam and have the t level checked.

[starjayroman]

Originally Posted by mahalomom

I'm sorry you have to go through, not only TC but Jay's yelling too. I've seen some guys posts that they feel "half the man" or "less than". Do you think Jay is feeling any of this?
Would he be open to seeing a counselor?

~Mary Ann

Oh, yes, I thnk that he might be feeling a little bit of that. And no I don't think he would be open to seeing a counselor. He doesn't think that our son should see one and I do. He thinks we can all handle this just fine on our own. Its nice when he is in a good mood, can't stand him when he gets in the mood that he can't listen to anything I say. He has said that he doesn't like his own attitude and he doesn't need me adding to it. While I understand that, I never have been very good at shutting up and just taking it. And often the most ridiculous things set him off and he won't listen to anything but his own mind.

[starjayroman]

Dadmo,
I will try that.

Crystal

[Aegletes]

Crystal,

I'm sorry I'm coming to this thread late but just wanted to lend my voice to those of all the other wonderful people here in support of what you're facing. There are so many things, needless to say, that could be contributing to your husband's behavior and mood. I was diagnosed hypogonadal a few months before my second TC and in the months leading up to my diagnosis and the beginning of hormone treatment, I was increasingly moody, irritable, etc. Paradoxically, low testosterone levels don't necessarily make a guy more mellow. Quite the contrary: they can promote irritability and anxiety. So a test not only of total T, but of free T, and E2 would be in order.

Then again this may very well not be hormone-related. I'm sorry he's so resistant to therapy. Given everything he has faced, I would think it would be a must. A cognitive behavioral therapist with experience in anger management as well as in treating other cancer patients might benefit him immensely. I had seen a cognitive behavioral therapist a few years ago for anger issues unrelated to cancer and it was very helpful. Perhaps it's something you can convince his oncologist to discuss with him. Perhaps your oncologist can have the social worker there contact your husband. You should not have to be facing this alone, after all.

Alex

[Mom]

Gosh, Crystal, it sounds like low testosterone. Smack him for me, you don't deserve it,

[starjayroman]

Originally Posted by Mom

Gosh, Crystal, it sounds like low testosterone. Smack him for me, you don't deserve it,

MOM,
Thank you very much for a much needed laugh. Sometimes I would like to do that but I think he is going through enough. And thank you for saying I don't deserve it. Sometimes I wonder.

[Karen]

Crystal,

I've been lurking on this thread, since you're getting lots of good advice and support, but after your last post I need to throw in my two cents. Don't EVER doubt your self worth...EVER! You are holding together your family, caring for your son, and dealing with your own fears, your husband's cancer, and his less than sunny moods. You deserve a medal.

Why not talk to your son's pediatrician about whether or not your son would benefit from a counselor? I can't imagine him not needing a place to vent a bit too.

[mahalomom]

Crystal,
From time to time lots of us have self doubt and feelings of unworthiness. Karen is 100% right in this case. You should be receiving some "thank you"s every now and again. You do NOT deserve any of this!!
Hugs,
Mary Ann

[Paul54]

Crystal,
You are an angel. Nobody, especially angels, deserve to be yelled at. Period. On behalf of all the jerky guys, myself included on occasion, thank you for taking good care of your guys. Thank you. Thank you.

[starjayroman]

Just want to scream and this is the appropriate place. I know that Jay is having a hard time. I still don't think it is fair when he won't talk about it and he just yells. Today has been a bad day from the start almost. Jay left a restaurant that we went to because he was frustrated with our son and I. Its embarrassing when he wants to yell at our son because he is unhappy that a video game doesn't work. Then he wants to go to Marshalls and I say I hate the store so he orders me to go home. I want him to be who he was years ago, I wish if it was something I did that makes him so angry I could take it back.I don't know how to help him and make it better when I try to talk with him he just won't listen, says its over, or just yells and shuts me out. I am angry and sad @ the same time and feel so helpless and powerless.

[Smartie]

Sometimes cancer has a way of making people irrational. Is this completely different from his usual character? It may be his reaction to the situation he is in. Is it possible that some of his meds are causing mood changes?
I was very depressed indeed during my chemo. Only this week I discovered that the anti-nausea medication I was taking - Reglan - can cause severe depression. I wonder if Jay's problems could be caused by his meds?

[Scott]

Originally Posted by starjayroman

Then he wants to go to Marshalls and I say I hate the store ...

I'd bet he took that personally. We guys are funny.

[Kat]

Hey Crystal--
I just want to say a couple things. I doubt they will help, but I want to try.
One: I UNDERSTAND. We went through the same thing---not to that degree, but I know the constant snippiness and how it makes you feel like a failure. I don't know how many times I flipped out (alone, of course), thinking that I couldn't do ANYTHING right.
Two: Our problem largely turned out to be the steroids and horrific lack of sleep. The steroids (I think it was dexamethasone?)--caused horrible mood fluctuations.
Three: In our case.....it got better. It eventually got better. I'm happy to report that there is considerably less crazy in our house now. You know, we're still nuts, but the more regular kind of nuts. Not the scream-at-me-because-you-think-I-don't-love-your-mother-enough kind of nuts.
Just wanted to give you some hope!
During the RPLND mess and the chemo mess, people always offered to go to the grocery store for me. I HATED this offer, because going to the grocery store made me feel normal for an hour, and I could be alone, and just do what I needed to do, and read cereal boxes, and it was great. It was funny, because I generally dislike grocery shopping, but it's like it became my secret little cancer friend. Try to find something that can let you feel this way--an hour feeling quasi-normal goes a long way.
Best wishes!